Breaking Up Is Tough Stuff

La Madre crafted the whole idea of this blog. At first I thought it was just to hold me accountable to daily exercise...then I began to think it was more like an opportunity for daily reflection. Recently, I realized that it was just to keep me real to myself.

It is my homepage when I go online. Every morning the first thing I see is "Dream Your Life, Live Your Dream", and then I see it continuously throughout the day. It is a fabulous daily reminder...and it certainly encourages me to think about it constantly. I believe in that. I firmly believe that you control your destiny and can steer yourself in the direction you'd like your path to take. (I also acknowledge that sometimes, without steering, your path cruises you into the some of the most perfect places at the most perfect times).

I have been struggling with my work situation for some time now. It was once a dream job and I felt that I was living out that dream everyday - back in Ultra Violet's day. Then it morphed a bit. You know - into more inside than outside, more sedentary than active, more working with tasks than working with people, but it was still manageable because it fit into my dream life. I was able to balance everything else outside work to make up for it. I spent the 9 months of tedious, dull, not fulfilling work, to get to the 3 months of summer that were incredibly rewarding and satisfying. In those 9 months, I had a life outside work that met all my other needs. Plus, i love the company I work for. Love the kids, love what we do with them, love the challenges, love the opportunity for growth, love the location, love the people I work with. It was a no-brainer to keep at it despite the long months of not really tapping into my strengths.

All sorts of people warned that nothing would be the same after having kids - that life as I knew it would change. I expected some change, but i did not fully grasp what that meant (I still don't FULLY grasp it). But I do know that suddenly doing a job that i don't completely love for 9 months a year is no longer living my dream. It was worth it to get to the summer and put my heart and soul into those extraordinary 3 months. I cannot give that same amount of heart and soul anymore. I have a new project that I'd like to devote that time and energy toward now - my wee people.

I dream of the life I had as a child. Where my mom was chillin with us everyday.  Making all our meals, teaching us all we needed to know, taking us out to explore and experience life, planting gardens, reading books, enjoying the sunshine and the fresh air, giving hugs and kisses at every opportunity, loving us completely, and rarely being preoccupied by anything that we were ever aware of. I think Critter and Sprout deserve that too. I want to live that dream.

Thing is, I need to make money too. Leaving a job that I've had for 8 years for the unknown is daunting and scary, and I felt a bit afraid to make the leap. I HATE FEAR! I truly do, it stops you in your tracks and does not allow the forward progress of growth take place. it is a horrible, despicable thing. I have battled it before, and triumphed. I could not let it stop me from living my dream life. So I had to come up with a plan to simmer the FEAR.

Sometimes you can't see too far ahead. Just remember where you are going and keep stepping.

I have been giving it a great deal of thought over the past couple of months, but FEAR kept me surrendering to my status quo. My plans were not grand enough to defeat it, but I continued to mull and muster. I needed to enlist the help and support of other people. I needed to pump La Madre up and squash the fear.

On my trip down to the big cities, I threw my idea out to a couple of professionals. It was so well received that La Madre got what she needed. On the long drive back to Dubois, the decision was made. I needed to get back to Dreaming My Life and Living That Dream.

It didn't stop being scary...I just stopped being afraid.

I called today. I tendered my resignation. Of course it is not effective till who-knows-when, but I do not plan to be in this same position a year from now. 

It was an emotional call. When it was through, I was upset, and I didn't quite understand why. So I went for a run in the sunshine, and it certainly helped. I realized where the emotion was coming from.

You ever break up with someone who was nothing but good to you and good for you? Never did anything wrong. Treated you like gold and supported you for years. Helped you to grow. Had incredible times together.  And you loved him. Truly. But you just knew in your gut that it was not sustainable. It just wasn't going to work out in the long run. As much as you loved him, the relationship was just not serving you anymore, and it was not fair to stay in it. Even though it is you who wants out, and it is you who sets the wheels in motion, it is still a heartbreaking break-up. It is hard to let go.

La Madre is a bold bitch. She just quit the dream job that I've held for 8 years, in a horrible economy, with a Critter on the ground and a Sprout in the belly.

Fear Schmear.

Went to the Big City

 Departed in a flurry last Sunday after several hours of searching for my work wallet. Never surfaced. Had to take Daddio's cause I was off to do a bunch of spending in the Big City. And boy...did I!

 Got an iPhone. A real honest-to-god iPhone.  I'm still not quite certain how to actually operate the device - but I can take and send photos, which is a major reason I wanted it!

 Went to Ikea - twice. First time to recon and check it all out. Then I went back between meetings to make the big purchase. Got a cabinety sort of thing that can store our work stuff out of Critter's reach. I don't love it - but I can live with it. And it is most assuredly safer than what we were working with. Got two storage ottomans too. So that I could replace the monstrosity of a coffee table that never belonged in a room this size, but came with the house, so we have used it. I have hated it every day and could not wait to replace it! It is a fine piece of furniture - it just did not belong in out living room/office/kitchen.

 Stocked up on soap, shampoo, toothpaste, and groceries...nothing like travelling 8 hours to purchase your staples.

 I was feeling rather proud of all the purchases as they have all been in the works for a while...but the new 8X10 rug was still alluding me. Not for lack of trying. i went everywhere and looked at a bazillion rugs - none really worked though (in my price range). Daddio gave me a limited budget - what remained of our tax return after purchasing an infrared heater for Critter's room and some other in sundry items for the heat of the house. i left Colorado without the rug. I decided I'd make one last ditch effort in Casper since I was driving through.

Perhaps it was impulse. Perhaps I felt pressure. Perhaps it was just a moment of absurdness after being in the car for 7 hours, but I bought a rug. I never should have. I hate it. I didn't love it when I got it, I just hoped it would grow on me. It has not. Intense buyer's remorse. I may drive back to Casper and return it next weekend. I just can't take it. Daddio thinks I'm ludicrous. Perhaps. But it is a big part of my daily living. I spend the majority of my waking hours in this room with this hideous rug. I realize that driving 6 hours round-trip to return it blows the budget for the rug out of the water. I make mistakes - some are costly. gulp.

One Step Closer to a Hot Tub

Unbelievable. We accomplished what I certainly thought was impossible today.

Where we started this morning

Today's progress!

Daddio and I worked together on a project all day long. We did not have a single solitary argument. Things went relatively smoothly. I don't even think I was ever frustrated or grumpy. We both messed a couple of things up - but we each fixed them, with each other's consult.

Project Manager giving instruction

All the lumber for the entire project has been milled on our sweet 'ol lumber mill. All the logs came from our work property. We had to chop 'em down because they were either infested with beetles, or already killed by them. The hot tub deck is the first of many projects we have planned for the sawmill.

Happily constructing

Our list is long and it sure takes forever and a day to check anything off of it. If every work day were like today, we'd be living in our dream palace. I am realistic enough to know that it won't always be this way. But for today, I'll take it...and chalk it up to the Luck of the Irish.

Traditions

Living in a small mountain town in the middle of the least populated state in the country, could easily leave me with much to desire come holiday time. However, the opposite is true. There are holiday events in place in this town that are out-of-this-world fabulous! Thanksgiving (Pilgrim's Progressive) has grown into a much celebrated faux-family feast that lasts for several days. The holiday-sweater-red-neck party is tons o fun. Easter has been a blast filled with egg decorating contest and then an all-out egg hunt where elbows have been known to be thrown and electric fences activated. Birthdays are hysterical, and our baby shower was off-the-hook. We are uber-fortunate to have the friends we do that have all shown up in this hiccup of a town at this very moment.

One event that has been off-the-charts in the past is St.Patrick's Day.

When I moved here, it was blatantly obvious that there was a horrible lack of Irish cheer come this sacred holiday. I vowed to change that as quickly as I could say "cockles and mussels alive alive o". I treat the day with the dignity and honor and respect that I feel it deserves. First thing in the morning, I move the shamrock plant to center stage on the kitchen table. I bring down the leprechaun snowman that my Aunt Ree gave me when I bought my cabin, and the little shamrock candle holder that my Aunt Nep sent in a housewarming package. I then prepare the green shamrock pancakes and cream my coffee with baileys. Put the corned beef in the dutch ovens and one in the slow-cooker right after breakfast. Although I've had to work each St.Patty's day that I have lived here, I have afternoon pints of Guiness while typing away on my computer. Pandora station fluctuates between a variety of Irish music stations. Prepare the soda bread mid-afternoon. Add the potatoes and carrots to all the corned beefs...and then the cabbage a wee bit later.

Waiting for hooligan arrival

Hooligans typically show up around 6:00pm. There have been as many as 25 revelers for the event. Everyone arrives with a 6-pack of Guiness - all of them are gone by the end of the evening. Car Bombs usually begin about 6:01pm, and don't seem to stop until...well...I'm not sure when they stop. We jig. The fellas get whiskey drunk and feisty. We are full of good cheer and love for each other. All of the food gets devoured. There are no crumbs left of the soda bread as they are all used to sop up the broth in the pots. It gets loud. It gets rowdy. It is one of my very favorite days.

Three corned-beefs stewing

Car Bomb Counter

Last year I was pregnant. Of course I threw the event, but could not participate in the car bombs. I distinctly remember when I discovered that St. Patty's was going to fall on a Saturday this year. I was ready to throw a weekend long festival. Turns out I am pregnant once again and most of our party-goers are out of town this weekend. A friend in town is throwing a party that is a horse of a completely different color tomorrow night, and we will be going to it.

It will be our first non-comeallya St. Patty's since I got the cabin. So last night, we celebrated a mini-st.pat's.  Just one batch of corned beef and cabbage, just one loaf of soda bread, just one 6-pack of Guiness, and one bottle of Irish whiskey. Frank, Joe, and Cza Cza came to feast with us. Critter ate the potatoes and carrots and some soda bread. The fellas each had a car bomb and some extra whiskey. Pandora was busting out some favorites. The shamrocks, the snowman, and the candle were on the table...it was a grand event, I did have a Guiness.

I am grateful that we were still able to share our celebration with a quaint few, but I am no way ready to give up the hosting the hulabaloo in the future.

This year's feast

Just one little loaf

Here's to St. Patrick's Day 2013!

Change Your Perspective

Headstands at yoga tonight. Three of them. The best part was we did them right at the beginning of class. Turning things upside down every once in a bit is an important thing to remember.

Doing some prolonged downward facing dogs too. Up to six-minutes. There was certainly a time that staying in downdog for 2 minutes was a major struggle. There was a time that me heels did not come close to the floor. Then, somewhere along the way, downdog became one of my favorite places to be. It was a welcome break after some challenging poses or exhausting vinyasas.

The first time I stayed for five minutes felt rather brutal...but then it grew on me. There is something uber fantastic about turning your world upside down and seeing what you see and feeling what you feel. I recommend giving it a go. Just a few upside-down minutes a day to keep you adjusted when you are right-side up.

Smooth Round Stones

Scheduled power outage today. From 1:00pm - 5:00pm.

Loaded up the Critter and set off for an adventure. I was on a mission to collect more stones. Been going to the same general locale for several years now picking up smooth river rocks. I have used them for a variety of purposes over the years...but they always symbolize impermanence.

One year I stacked them on my front porch. I may have mentioned the relentless and punishing wind we endure in this valley. Every day that I opened my front door, the cairns had crumbled. I welcomed the opportunity to restack them. It felt a little like plucking unruly eyebrows.

 The rocks then made an appearance at our wedding. They were stacked on each table.  I'm not sure if anyone took time to find the pleasure in restacking them or not.

Now the rocks are part of a pathway in my "Garden of Impermanence". Birch Boulevard. I go out to the same place along the river a couple of times each season to gather another sack full or two of new rocks. You'd think that they'd be easy to come across, but it is more difficult than you may imagine. I have searched miles and miles of riverbank, but still have not enough perfect stones to complete the Boulevard.  I have never set a real goal to complete it by any particular time. For a moment today, I thought about changing that. I thought about setting a goal to gather enough rocks to have it finished by Sprout's arrival. I've since changed my mind. One of the things I love the most about the project, is that there has been no timelines of any sort. Sometimes when I go out there, I end up just strolling about and collecting green rocks instead (for another section in the Garden of Impermanence).

That side of the house has become a rather special place for me. It was a pile of dirt when we moved in. Little by little it has transformed. No two years have been alike, no two seasons have been alike. There is nothing permanently attached to anything else. It is full of "ornaments" collected from everywhere. Rocks constantly tumble, and I am thrilled when I get the chance to restack them. Yesterday I added another layer of logs to reinforce last year's addition, and I sprinkled some wild flower seeds to a section that I tilled. Today I added the stones I collected on my adventure with Critter and Daddio. 

As the season slowly changes from winter to spring, I cannot wait to spend more wind-sheltered sunshine time out there. Digging, planning, preparing, planting, feasting, chilling, and growing...

Open-Door Day

Critter still on east coast time. Another early trip to the coffee shop in town. Violet Vixen was there and plans were established for a morning bike ride out to the horse pasture.

Got tons done around the casa while I waited for the departure time. Lubed up the bikes and pumped fresh air into the tires. Mounted our trusty steers and headed east. No clouds in the sky and wind at our backs. Way out to the horses was downhill all the way. Had to travel slightly beyond the horses to a place where we could cross the river. I was grumpy with myself for not bringing my camera. The last mile was on a muddy dirt road that ran between the river and the badlands. Violet Vixen was out in front and rode right up to the herd of horses. Woulda been a sweet photo.

I broke out immediately and I didn't even touch a horse. I decided not to get any closer for fear of what else might happen, so I sauntered down to the river bank and got in a quick yoga session. Felt good since it had been a while since I've sat in my bike saddle for so long. Am going to search the world wide web tonight for pregnancy bike shorts!

Ride back was equally perfect. Slight uphill and slight breeze.

Chatted the whole way back with VV. Talked about getting the right stuff for this phase of life. VV wants to plan and prepare for the perfect saddle. I spent a couple years before I buckled down to purchase my perfect bicycle. I mentioned it is important to have exactly what you want and can afford right now - we are in our prime. VV questioned that statement.

 "Really...we are in our prime right now?"


Kind of we are. I mean I think I'll peak at 62...but each and every day between now and then will be my prime. There will never be any time in my past that produced a better me (all around, that is). I plan to just keep on growing.

Vacation Transition

What a glorious, relaxing, stress-reducing, family-appreciating, sun-shining, healthy-eating, running, golfing, swimming, laughing, biking, shopping, book-reading, winter-breaking vacation.

The immediate transition back has been rather pleasant as well.  I planned to put my winter leggings on when we were getting ready to leave Dallas - but I ran out of time of sorts. I expected to freeze my freshly-tanned, flesh-exposed legs when we deplaned in Jackson. Instead, the air was a welcomed treat. In fact, the whole process was a welcomed treat.

As we were landing, the worm moon was just rising over the Gros Ventre. The drive home was the kind you never forget. The kind that people that have never left the east coast cannot comprehend. It had obviously been warm the couple of days before we got back. All the snow on the pass had a spring crust on the top. It glimmered and shined under the brightness of the full moon. It was both peaceful and invigorating at the same time.

Critter woke up at 5:00am ready to rock and party (she was certainly still on east coast time). I got her up and we rode into town to the coffee shop. We chilled with our homies for a while and welcomed in out first Wyoming sunrise in a week.

The temperature was in the 50's...a far cry from the -3 degrees we left a week ago, but not terribly far from the high 70's we experienced in southern Florida. After wrapping up some work this afternoon, I loaded Critter up in her fancy Chariot and hooked her up to my trusty ride. Rode my bike through the hood in the sunshine with Critter giggling all the while behind me. Got two Jeopardy! matches in, and rode back to our cabin.  Had birthday dinner celebration with our dear friends, read a book with Daddio to Critter, and tucked her in to bed.

Going away on a family vacation is an incredibly terrific treat, coming home to life with my family is an equally incredible treat.

Humidity Sweat

A Run!

Well...a jog...but still.

Just a measly little 30 minutes through the Glades development. 83 degrees.

Looked like I did in pre-season field hockey practices.
Beet-red and blotchy-faced.

Sweat soaked my everything.
It was glorious!

I hate wearing pants - despise wearing pants. However, due to the extreme chub-rub from yesterday, I had to run in pants (at least they didn't come all the way to the ground). They were black, they touched my skin, and made me want to puke - but they protected me from exasperating the chub-rub.

Then a couple hours at the pool.

Then a bike ride to the store and back.

Um...ribs for dinner...but they were tasty and I only ate fruits and veggies all day in anticipation.

Vacation is da bomb-diggity!

Tropical Vacation

Vacation!

Leap Day has come and gone...and it was celebrated...not quite in the manner that I had always hoped...but celebrated none-the-less.

Yesterday was a travel day. A long travel day. All travel days from Dubois, Wyoming are rather epic. I have always been able to balance the long travel days with speedy walk through the airports while laying over. Thought I'd be doing that this trip too....WRONG.

Critter never slept on the first flight. She was cranky-sleepy. Daddio had some work phone calls to make. I strapped Crit up in the ergo and we took off for a speedy stroll. She wasn't really havin' it. We walked by some rocking chairs, so I thought I'd give it a whirl. Sadly, it worked. Instead of breaking a sweat and balancing the travel day, I sat on my ass and rocked. La-flippin-Madre thwarted once again.

50 kickin' laps

So now we're in sunny Florida. Today was a pool day - two times, morning and afternoon sessions. Plus a walk carrying Critter through the neighborhoods. Swimming laps in the pool will be my gig for the week. Only slight problemo in a wee little shoulder injury I sustained on Powder Day. Lots of kicking laps...hoping for more actual laps manana. Definitely sweated on the neighborhood stroll...and due to that, got myself a sweet case of chub-rub. awesome!

So, the activities are looking like they are going to happen while we are down here (as long as I can fix the chub rub problem).

The best part of tropical vacations is the fresh fruits and veggies though. Big fresh salad last night when we first arrived, tomato sandwich for lunch, fruits all afternoon and another fab salad for dinner.

Bountiful baskets has made living in Wyoming in the winter much better than I could ever have imagined...but it has nothing on the fresh produce of southern Florida.