Strong as I need to be

I have come to a comforting realization: I will always be as strong as I need to be. La Madre taught me that.

I reckon it was long ago that I chose strength as a characteristic to help define me. Perhaps identified is a better word than chose.  Coming from Irish-Potato-Farmer-Stock, perhaps it is more an innate ability. I remember knowing back when I played field hockey that I had strength, and that I had power. It was confirmed in college and beyond each Saturday during rugby matches - I was strong and I was powerful. I know it when I pedal uphills and wait for friends at the top - the right muscles for the right activity. I value the feeling of that. I appreciate knowing that although I am not swift, and I am not graceful, I identified and nurtured the physical characteristics that I found inside my body that were blessed to me.

Sometimes (often while pregnant) I curse this body of mine. I spent 34 years developing physical strengths that are not particularly innate to the Irish-Potato-Farmer. They all seemed to abandon ship during incubation. I see other women who truly only have a ball of baby in their belly. Where are their baby-love handles, where is their baby- back fat? Oh - just me? Awesome.

When you declare to dream your life and live your dream, you have to walk that ever-present fine line of determining when to let go of your "dream".  I dreamed of being at this stage in my second pregnancy, carrying Critter up some mountains in the backpack while Sprout up the mountain in my uterus.  At the very least, I dreamt that I could still be riding bicycles up hills. My reality is quite different, however. I can carry Critter in the backpack or Ergo, but not up any hills...and not for a terribly long time. I can ride my bike, with or without her, but again not up any hills...and not for a terribly long time. My dream me and my reality me had to work it out. La Madre stepped in to assist.

The catalyst was yoga. I've been practicing in the sunshine on the deck of the hot tub that will never be. It has been uber delightful and one of the best parts of my summer. I go out there while Critter naps on the days I am fortunate enough to be at home. It feels so incredible wonderful to me to have all my creaked up body parts travel through a full range of motion and be opened to the universe.  While pregnant with Critter, I continued my yoga practice up till the very end, but it was chock full of modifications. i thought that was necessary - and perhaps it was for that particular time and place. I didn't know any other pregnant people practicing, so I did what all the websites and magazine articles said - listened to my body.  Certainly in the last trimester, I was lowering into chataranga from my knees, and moving to downward facing dog with my hands on blocks. And  I was totally okay with it. I thought it was a fabulous practice of letting my ego take a back seat and being "sweet to myself".  In retrospect, i still think it was the right thing to do. I was maintaining as much strength as I needed.

Now is a horse-of-a-different-color. My life has completely transformed in these last 14 months. I need to be stronger now than I was then. I have a pile of challenges to face that simply cannot be tackled by being "sweet to myself".  Yes, I am still pregnant...but now I am in the middle of running a summer camp for children (and parents) with unique and time consuming needs. I am managing a staff of 35 who also each demand a piece of me to get their needs met. I am raising an incredible little Critter who had a fever of 103.8 last week and a heartbreaking little cough and snotty sneezes. I am being a partner to my husband both at work and at home. I am facing impending unemployment in a few short months. I have a hernia, and some crazy sacrum situation that is excruciating from time to time...and I want to eat ice cream everyday - i don't - i just want to.

A few weeks ago, while practicing yoga on the back deck, is when it occured to me that La Madre is working to keep the situation under control. While I am mumbling frustrations about my frumpy, stocky build, she is out there embracing it. She flows through sun salutations without a single modification. She adds extra vinyasas into her practice to remind herself that she can. She raises into a headstand as often as possible, and doesn't give up trying just because it doesn't happen every day.

36 weeks pregnant

She has a goal...she is working to develop grace. She takes this opportunity to sort through the pile of challenges laid before her by using her gifts and abilities. Each day, she takes a deep breath, bows as gracefully as a potato-farmer can to the sunshine, and says "I am STRONG, and I am POWERFUL". And then she heads out to tackle...

Game On...and Off

Although it has been snowing all day yesterday and today, summer is officially here. Our staff have arrived - the first round of them at least.

I normally love it. Love spreading the passion that I have for the kids we serve and the program we run. It is extraordinary. Incredible. Fantastic. Perfecto!....and I do still love that. But this week has also validated my decision to make this my last go of it.

Arrived at the ranch at 6:30am yesterday to prepare the first "Welcome to EVR Breakfast" for the incoming staff. Arrived back home at 8:30pm last night. Critter never had any legitimate time with either me or Daddio all day. She never had a real meal. I wore her on my back while we ate (because it was FREEZING cold) and Daddio shoved bananas in her mouth. I squeezed some sort of pureed food into her mouth twice. I moved her from backpack to walker-thing, to car seat, to pack-n-play, back to backpack. She had very little crawl about time. We were both so busy and occupied doing what we do, that she was an afterthought, or more a hinderence.

And that's not fair. Not to her. It affected my day and my performance. Nanny Nell arrives in a week - when there will be 37 staff here (there are only 11 right now). Critter will have such a fantastic time! I think we'll be able to sort it all out and develop a system that will work for the actual summer, just this staff training that will be the biggest bugger.

So...for all 4 of this blog's followers, I must excuse myself for a while. My "plate is full" as they say, and I'm gonna have to lay off this for a wee bit.  I can tell from the amount of feedback and comments I get on a daily basis, that this will be heartbreaking for many of you. Stay strong. Keep your chin up. La Madre shall return in due time.

Just Four Little Squares

We've had an ongoing conflict here for a couple of months now. I reckon it never came up any sooner because i was never pregnant for two years straight before.

Here it is:

 - Daddio thinks I use too much toilet paper. He says I've been going through it too quickly. In fact, he has stashed his own supply in a secret location just to prove to me how quickly I use it up.
 It has certainly made me more conscious of it. For the past two months, I have been carefully checking the square count of each pull. It is consistently four. I don't believe that four is too many squares! Perhaps i'm off. i've never really discussed it with anyone else to see what is typically use. I know for shizzle that Uncle Jeffro at least quadruples that amount each use!!! What is normal? What is reasonable?

It's just that i go to the bathroom three times an hour all day long and another three times while i'm in bed! and i've been going at this pace for entirely too long now! Daddio contends that i pee all the time outside without tp, so i should just live like that inside. I contend that it is a small luxury to partially compensate for the misery of incubating humans inside myself.

I appreciate that Daddio is concerned with both our environment and our bank account. We strive to live with minimal impact on both. We are not wasters. We can hardly be considered consumers really. However, there are exceptions to that. I've always thought that my biggest environmentally unsound guilty pleasure was taking long hot showers. I guess i have to add tp overusage to that now too....

Although, I cannot imagine the  four squares is really that absurd!

Mungbean

Marty Mungbean is coming! In fact, she is on her way over the pass as I type. and the timing couldn't be more perfect.

Today sucked. Chalking it up as "one of those days".
Couldn't sleep last night (big fat moon)
Critter got up at 6:30am.
Rain at first - then huge monster snowflakes.
Turns out my Bountiful Basket order never processed.
Less than 1 hour morning nap.
No afternoon nap at all.
Snow turned to chilly wind.
Constant whiney-cryey-not-pleasant sounds from Critter.
So tired.
Yoga interrupted twice - no other exercise.
Not a terrific day of nutritional nourishment either.
Made horrible salad to take to Derby party - embarrassing.
Cold sore throbbing like the Ren and Stimpy cartoon where one of them had a toothache.
Birch ate all the lemon bread on the counter while at the Derby party.
Feeling fat and miserable.
Coming to terms with my new awareness of obsessing (to come later this week, I'm sure)
Pregnant
Just wishing for an escape today...counting the hours till Daddio tags back in.
_______________________________________________________________

And then she arrived! Marty Mungbean (the O.S. Plum Fairy) on the scene.
The 'ol saying of  "sometimes you just need a friend" may have come from a pregnant single madre after a long day.
Mungbean arrived at 8:00pm
we caught up
we chatted
we philosophized
we reflected
we processed
we assessed
we appreciated
we validated
we challenged
we questioned
we listened
we laughed
we supported
we reminisced
When we went to sleep, I felt like myself again. My slumber was peaceful and restful.
When we woke up, we did it all over again - this time with Critter too! We also had the great pleasure of adding a hike through the badlands in b-e-a-u-tiful Wyoming spring time weather (first nice day in over a week).
we added eating to the list as well
as well as other-friend-visiting
and Critter teaching

She was outta here by 3:30pm - not even a 24-hour visit...but i am so uber-grateful for each one of those hours...minutes too!

You can't have time like that with your husband.
You can't even have time like that if your husband is around.
You can't have time like that with new friends - they have to be the old ones who can help you put it all in perspective and remind you that now is only part of the journey.

I met Mungbean at my very first rugby practice in 1995 - it was her first practice too. We have traveled our separate paths together ever since. I often reflect on my fortune of having the most spectacular friends in the universe, who are each a dear part of my family. Each of them is currently planted in different time zones all across the country. I know how lucky I am to have rooted myself in a remote mountain town of less than 1,000 inhabitants, in a state with less than 500,000 people, and have Marty Mungbean one mountain pass away (okay - sometimes it is two mountain passes).

Last StretchTill December!

Critter and i are in it again!
Daddio on the road for a week. He left yesterday - and it wasn't our best performance.

i suck at transitions though, so today is the first official day without him - and it was much better!
We saw elk, bison, antelope, coyotes, deer, 2 bald eagles, and 2 cranes.  Oh - and I saw Sprout too.

I had back-to-back-to-back appointments in Jackson today, and I wondered how we'd muddled through it on our own. Franko came to the rescue and volunteered his au-pair services and it was a rather splendid day. Three hours of appointments ended up being just two, which was a major bonus.

The drive over the pass this morning was perfect. A fresh blanket of snow covering everything and not a single track through it. The Tetons stood quite regally while the clouds buffed up their peaks. Lunch was perfect and delicious. We took the inner-park loop on the way home in hopes of catching sight of a bear...cranes instead.

I was slightly nervous about leaving Crit with Franko as he is 67 and never had any children. It seemed their time together was great though. So lucky she is so chill and happy.

Sprout unofficially received the "Normalest Baby of the Day" by the doctor who was a bit strange. He certainly spoke to entertain himself more than inform a patient, but I may be tempted to do the same if I had to repeat the same information for 40 years. I'm not even sure about half of what he babbled, but in the end he did give us the award. so i reckon that means all is good.  I do recall him sputtering on about my advanced maternal age and "the odds". He mentioned something about looking at those odds as a betting man in Vegas, or as Chicken Little...He also commended the young being for choosing to place its placenta at the back of my uterus....and odd duck for shizzle.

Crit and I have through next Monday to roll in our own style. It may likely be the last opportunity for just the two of us for quite some time. I plan to take full advantage - can't wait to strap her back onto the bike and cruise around the hood. 

Can't Be All Roses i Reckon

When La Madre is in charge, things seem rather terrific. Firing on all cylinders. nearing Optimal Performance.
i eat well
i sleep well
i love well
i exercise
i breath deeply
i breath enough fresh air
i drink enough water
i clean up along the way and no clutter collects
i appreciate
i make time
i accomplish
i shave my legs
i walk with a spring in my step and a smile on my face

She does not show up everyday. Even la Madre needs a day off now and then.
 i just wish i could step up to the plate when she's not around. sometimes i do. sometimes i get up there and just lay down a bunt...or i allow myself to get hit by a pitch just to get to first base with minimal effort. 
in all honestly though, sometimes i don't. sometimes i get a backwards K - on purpose it seems. i sabotage La Madre just for the sake of it. i watch perfect opportunities go by, and do nothing. i swing at others knowing that they are all wrong. and at the end of the day, i feel like it was just wasted. just want to go to bed after Critter does so the day can end and i can start fresh tomorrow.

today was kind of like that i guess. got a bit of work done in the morning (which was crucial, so no big accolades there). once Critter woke up from her morning nap though...i feel like i have been in some alternate universe.  when she is awake, i just kind of hang out and watch her do her thing. she isn't much for interactive play, so i try to accomplish tasks that don't require much thought so that i can keep vigilant and entertained at the same time. so the dishes are put away. and i checked my email and facebook frequently enough to feel like a loser. took field trip to town and field trip to Franko's for hang and Jep!  Had a lovely hot shower and a great and necessary yoga session in front of the woodstove. and that helped - for certain.

Sometimes it just isn't smooth...and it gets downright ugly.

but i made bad choices too. i felt nauseated all morning. so i ate toast with butter and honey and cinnamon (who am i kidding, i have that almost everyday). when i still did not feel well an hour or so later, i had a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese. not off to a great nutritional start. i did make up for it slightly at lunch with leftover kabobs that tasted great, but did not exactly agree with me. i did not get enough fresh air (it was cold and cloudy and windy - so i used Critter not enjoying that weather as my excuse to not do anything outside). I could easily have ridden my bike with her to watch Jeopardy!...but i chose not to. I could easily have had two pieces of pizza at dinner, but instead i swung for three. i had two cups of coffee this morning, one in town, and another at home. and instead of water at lunch, i had iced tea. i did drink water - but clearly not enough. my mouth is now dry and my lips are chapped.

i've been feeling gross and fat for the past week or so. i realize that i'm pregnant, but i know what it feels like to be fit and pregnant, and i am feeling gross and fat. and that is all it takes to start the downward spiral. La Madre combats it. She is strong and committed and follows through with what she knows to be best - even when (especially when) she does not feel like it or feels fat and gross. i definitely undermined her today. i behaved like an assistant you dread. the kind that when you take the day off work there are more problems to solve and fires to put out when you get back than you could ever dream of.

tomorrow is a new day. although already set up for a difficult day to triumph (travelling over to Jackson for Sprout's ultrasound plus other appointments. Franko coming with me as my Au Pair). No time for exercise really. Four hours in the car (at least).

 i will get it back together.

perhaps just acknowledging my part in the sabotage will help me to not swing at the balls and watch the strikes go by. i just need to connect.

Sayonara Hot Tub

Gulp

It has been settled. I lost the hot tub.

I'm mostly okay with it...but not 100%.

After careful consideration, it was decided that it is impractical to quit you job with no certain source of new income, and have a hot tub too. I only wish this conclusion was reached about two years ago.

The 'Ol Bon Fire Pit

Cause 2 years ago, i had a lovely little hillside fire pit.  Perfect little area dug out with benches all around and surrounded by rocks collected from all over. Spent many more than many a night out there fireside. with our friends, with each other, alone, with Blu-the-Imposter horse. Many a late night. Many a Select-A-Slab meat parties. It got a lot of use, and I simply loved it. i had great plans to expand it and make it even better.

Then the hot tub came. it seemed like the only place to put it that would have a modicum of privacy, was right where the fire pit was. So I started digging. Dug out the whole hillside by hand with a shovel and a pick. Did it in the first few weeks I knew I was pregnant with Critter. Then little by little, we began building the 3-walled deck for the hot tub to perch upon.

Ultra-Violet gettin' her dig on

And now the deck is turning into something completely different. Necessary, but different. And if we had planned it sooner, it could have been extraordinary, but now it will always be the structure truly intended to be a hot tub deck.

It is turning into a guest bedroom (in reality, it will be turning into a bedroom for Daddio and me when guests come, 'cause who will really sleep out there besides us) and a yoga studio. It is a small space - but I think it will work just fine. I've been practicing yoga in the sunshine back there for a few weeks now. We will ultimately add a front wall full of windows, insulate the walls, and add a roof (also full or windows). Problem will be the floor - no way to really insulate that. May add a little outlet to plug in an electric heater and a lamp too. The only things in there will be the futon and a lamp.

I have always wanted a yoga/painting space. I have had the plans crafted in my head for quite a while. This is not what I planned - but it will work for the yoga space - and it will be perfect once it is complete. I'll have to wait for the painting space (which is no big deal cause i was waiting anyway).

I reckon I'll be able to go out there to read and write too. I reckon if I do manage to get some clients in the next year, I can use that space for phone calls and Skype calls as well.

No more fire pit...sigh

When I whined about how DESPERATE i am for a tub, Daddio assured me that with the money we'd save by not running the hot tub, we could get an actual tub inside the house! His delivery of the proposal came at the right time. Uncle Jeffro had just sent some video of Daisy and Colt playing together in the tub and I had been thinking about Critter and Sprout would be robbed of that critical part of sibling development (not to mention Critter is already beginning to outgrow the kitchen sink).

So, adios hot tub.
Why hello sweet action yoga-chill-clutter free-La Madre space!

Oh, San Francisco...you are not what I cracked you up to be

Well it came and it went.
Now I sit back on my couch in Wyoming, most certainly bigger and rounder than I was 5 days ago when I left.
I was uber-psyched about the trip. Some solo, anonymous time in the big city. Walking about, exploring, seeing, watching, tasting, soaking up some sunshine...
But instead it was full of failures, dead-ends, frustrations, and wasted time.
It wasn't all bad. I'm glad I went. Some things were terrific...I could have just gone home a day or two earlier.

The rental car fella said "here are some of your options", and this little Fiat was within his arm sweep. i said "oooh, i'll try that little penny racer!". and it was fun. and i was able to park it in spots that seemed impossible. and the gas mileage was terrific. but it didn't make the traffic any better. it didn't make the one-way streets and better. it didn't make the construction go away. it didn't help me to understand where i was or where i was going...it didn't find the UPS store when i must have driven right by it even though i scouted it out several days before i needed to use it. i spent too much time with the wee little Fiat. wasted time. time i'll never get back....but it took me to some pretty cool places too!

Like here. On Sunday, I had no work commitments so i drove up to Point Reyes to go for a hike. Saturday was record breaking temperatures, and I was inside all day. I was not prepared for the weather on Sunday. I drove across the Golden Gate Bridge (although i couldn't even tell i was on it due to the thick fog) and over to Marin County. Started up Highway 1, ended up turning around cause the construction traffic was more than i wanted to bargain for on a free-day Sunday. Realized I was starving and went on a breakfast search. Ended up at a most fabulous little cafe in Mill Valley. Had crepes. Why don't i eat them more often? The sun was shining there, so i ate outside and read the paper - it was delightful. I must say all the crappiness of the trip was certainly interrupted my moments of pure pleasure!

Thought about bailing on the hike and just walking around at an Earth Day Festival in the sunshine. Talked myself out of it as I've always wanted to check out Point Reyes and I needed a brisk stroll in fresh air after a day of standing around inside a building, which was preceded by a day of sitting during multiple car hours and multiple flight hours.

As i drove out to the coast, the clouds and the fog swallowed me up again. I was sad to leave the sunshine, but thought it was kind of Northern-Californian of me to be driving through the infamous marine layer. I left the hotel in the morning wearing a pair of shorts, a t-shirt, and had a little lightweight wrap layer with me. When I arrived in the parking lot at the trailhead, EVERYONE was in puffy coats, long pants, and winter hats. It was windy and chilly..but come on, it wasn't THAT cold. I figured it would be good for me to have to walk swiftly...and I did. I scooted right along the path and passed bunches of people (who knew that there would be droves of people on a trail that i had to drive over an hour to get to!). I chose this particular hike because it was triple starred on a website that I looked at. Said the wildflowers in the springtime were simply outstanding...felt like i could use a bit of bloomage in my world. It claimed to be 3.5 miles one way. MALARKEY! The hike was rather lame-o. There were a couple of spur trails that climbed up to some sweet looking cliffs, but there all had signs posted on them that said NO ACCESS. I was a tad disappointed...I really wanted some good quality exercise. Oh, and due to jogging up the trail (at least it was uphill most of the way out to the point) and Sprout sitting cozily on my bladder, I had to pee so terribly!!! On a coastal hike in one of the most populated counties in America, there is no place to do that! I longed for Wyoming!!!  The wildflowers were quite charming, and had a special quality to them under the introspectively gloomy sky. I couldn't stay too long to view them because I had to book it back to the trail head where a restroom awaited me. Well, it may not have been what I was hoping for, but i did get to take a little uphill jog and see some flowers and lay eyes on the Pacific and feel west-coast saturated. There is something in that!

I ate incredibly well too! That was the highlight in fact. I'd have one big meal of the day, and then some little fresh-food snacks. One night was Indian, one night Thai, one night Italian. Greek for lunches and breakfasts. It was rather incredible! Oh - and I had Cold Stone ice cream too. and it was beautiful. i have purposely been avoiding ice creams and desserts during Sprout's incubation since i may have overdone it during Critter's. but when i indulge, it is simply fabulous!!!!

I did see and learn a lot about San Francisco and the areas around it. All the way up to Petaluma and over to Oakland. I was blown away with how many road bikers there were!!! It has reinforced my desire to take a bike tour through Napa Valley some fall or spring. The pastoral hills of Marin County were screaming for me to pedal my bicycle through them...and I will.

It wasn't all bad, it just wasn't my best flying-solo travel performance (which I kind of considered myself an expert in). Perhaps it could have climbed up a notch if I could have had a glass of wine or a bloody mary during my strolls around the city. Or if I could have gone for a legitimate run across the Golden Gate bridge, or up the hills of San Fran in the early morning (hernia pain is a MAJOR suck!). And I missed Critter and Daddio. That doesn't really happen to me. I am always quite content no matter where I am. But for part of this trip, I felt like I was just spinning my wheels waiting for my flight home.

And now I'm here. And all is quite well. Got to have a regular 'ol Wyoming dinner on the grill and dine with Critter and Daddio and pick up the sippy cup 90 times and pop peas into Crittter's mouth inbetween her gnocchi bites. Got to watch her scrambled about and show off her new spin move. Got to take a garden tour with Daddio and he showed me all the new trees that he and Crit dug up in the forest on Earth Day to transplant at our house. Got to see Daddio's potato box creation. Got to check out the asparagus that emerged in my absence (and eat a few of the for dinner). Got to give Crit a kitchen sink bath and put her in her PJs. Got to tuck her in and listen to her wail for a solid 5-10 minutes. Got to hear the Backcountry Basset howling at the sliver of a moon. Got to get up and let the Mountain Mutt in and out of the door at least times. And shortly, I get to climb up (that's right - I need the assistance of a tree stump to get up into my bed) and lie next to Daddio, with Sprout inside, and Critter across the hall, and relish in how it truly perfect it feels to be home.

What?!?!?!?

Critter and I had our game flowing. We were in the zone! Each day was better than the one before.

Got all my work done before wake-up and during morning nap. Coffee shop for first bottle, home for breakfast, crawl and cruise a bit - Naptime!

Field Trip to town. Lunch, or tea, park time, errands, back home for crawl-about.

Rode bikes over to Frank's for a hang and a Jep!

Nap #2. La Madre cranked out some fabulously intense yoga sessions EVERYDAY during Nap #2. (Sore legs for days!!!)

Early morning wake-up on Saturday for Bountiful Baskets, which led to incredible early morning hike up the hills.  Backyard yoga in the sunshine on the partially completed hot tub deck (part of me doesn't want the hot tub to go there now - it was PERFECT for wind-free sunshine yoga!).

Phone rang...."Hola Daddio!...What? Oh, Congratulations! Great Work! Yee Haw!...You still have a second tag though don't you?...Oh, not for that area - I see...Oh, it's raining - I see....so you are heading home then... tomorrow - I see.  No...that's great! Wonderful! We can't wait to have you back! Hurry home."

Bittersweet. Love that Daddio came home a whole 5 days early, but was also diggin Madre y Muneca time.

Had an Indian Food and Painting Evening planned for Sunday night - Rad Bitches Only invite. Fellas coming home early crashed it. It was still fantastic. Great food, great people (ended up being more boys at dinner than R.Bs).

So Lucky. To be happy together, to be happy alone...to be so supported each and every day.

Feeling rather joy-full and grate-full lately.

Ladies Flying Duo

 Madre y Muneca are at it again!

Daddio took off yesterday for his annual Turkey-Hunt-Vision-Quest and we have the run of the place for at least a week!

Working into our rhythm, but so far so great. 

Yesterday afternoon we got a swing, slide, and merry-go-round session in at the park. Then a hang and Jeopardy!. A brisk stroll on the 'ol Incubating Loop in the Badlands (with Critter Ergoed onto my back), then Critter napped while I got a good hour plus yoga home yoga session in! Cooked up a fabulous dinner and chilled.

Today brought us a semi-productive work day, helped Jorge purchase his flight to NC, made a juice, time at The Parlour with Cza Cza, Sara, and Brit, mailing off a package that I've been putting off since I got back in January, a hang and Jeopardy! Skipped the stroll today (windy and snowing - day off), Critter napped and another fabulous yoga session at home. Then off to dinner at Frank's with Jorge.

Spent the past hour looking into how to begin my new business and how to make a website. Turns out there is so much out there that I just have no concept. I don't know what I don't know. Lucky for me, I happen to know some incredible chics who have walked this road before me, I'm thrilled to walk in their footsteps!

In fact, Tara gave me some homework today and it is due rather quickly! I started looking into it and got overwhelmed. I think it is rather difficult to come up with a name for something until it is fully developed - Betty Laiken was a game day decision.  It prevented me from starting this blog for a while. When I finally would come up with something I could live with, it turned out to be already taken! It is a major roadblock for me, cause apparently it needs to come first.

New business is two-fold, ADHD Coaching (focus on adolescents and college students) and Outdoor Personal Training. I don't know if I'd ever be able to muster up a client in this town for the Outdoor Fitness side of things, but if i could, it would be off-the-hook! I have grand plans if it ever makes it off the ground.

Outside more than inside, active more than sedentary, with people more than with tasks.

Suddenly, but slowly and surely, my path is realigned with the destination I dream of.

Looking forward to the "alone" time with my little Muneca!

Easter Feaster

 I have grown to love Easter.

 I must admit to not enjoying it much in my childhood. Mostly because of the dress. I HATED having to wear an Easter dress. If the dresses were cool, it was one thing (like in 5th grade I got to pick one out and i didn't hate it that much), but mostly I had to wear what my mom told me to and it made my insides queasy all day. I despised the family photos taken inside the door at Nanny's house because I knew I'd be going down in the history books wearing a ridiculous costume that I wanted nothing to do with.

And I cannot stand pastel. I think it is the absolute worst of all color hues...I cannot think of one thing that i think looks nice in pastel. It was one secret fear I had when I first learned that I was pregnant. "Oh No! People are going to send us pastel!!!!"

I am a vibrant color loving, only-wear-a-dress-if-you-think-it-is-cool kinda girl. So it took me a long time to grow into Easter.

Yesterday we (Team Neidens) hosted our 3rd Annual Easter Feaster. It was off-the-hook fabulous.

I prepared my first ham. I don't think I've ever even touched a raw hunk of ham before. I sliced up a pineapple and stuck them on there and pushed cloves into the gross ham flesh (I don't particularly care for ham). Made a broccoli salad and a carrot cake. The entire time I was preparing food it was with a huge grin on my face. I LOVE that I have a life that involves celebrating holidays with family, friends, food, and fun. Living so far from both of our families requires both a commitment to that and friends who double as family. There were 22 of us yesterday (reminder that we have a tiny less-than-1,000-square-foot cabin).

Pierre

The Egg Decorating Competition was catapulted to a whole new level. The first prize winner had a diorama of the frontier with a herd of 10 buffalo being hunted by a painted indian riding a war horse...and there were peep jackrabbits standing watch.

Daddio's Turkey, with the Hargrave Hunter

Blue Ribbon Buffalo Herd

Angry Birds

Lady Gaga

Just a bunny

Delicious food of all sorts was set on the counter...ham, lasagna, wild-game meatloaf, braided bread, jalapeno poppers, wontons, hummus, salads, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes,  cheesecake, carrot cake, pecan pie, brownies, chocolate chip cookies....beers, wine, gin, bourbon...

Waiting while last year's champion hid all the eggs

The Hunt was the best ever. Over 50 eggs were placed throughout the property (and 15 mini bottles of liquor). The champion was crowned with a 9 egg booty...and 4 liquor bottles.

The Hunt

Before the festivities began, Daddio and I each got in our activities for the day. Daddio went for a hike with his buddy in the morning, and I got to go for a stroll with my buddy in the afternoon.

Running the Squiggles

As we stated in our wedding vows, the ingredients for a perfect day: fresh-air activity that is challenging, food that is delicious and nutritious, dogs at our side, visit with our friends and family. 

Simple stuff.

Perfect day.

Just enjoying the view

Dodging Asteroids

One thing I know for certain is that I am a lucky duck.

There is not a day that comes, that I don't reflect on my great fortune.  I endeavor to live each day as if I deserve that luck. When Critter laughs and smiles all day long, it is difficult to comprehend how she landed in my universe and I'm not sure I can ever truly act the part of "deserving". Perhaps it's the IRISH - i just know that I'm a fortunate fool...and grateful for it.

Little Lucky Charm

That doesn't mean that I don't get thrown roadblocks and obstacles. Cause I get my fair share and right now I feel like I'm battling several and they are coming at my like asteroids. 

I am finding it IMPOSSIBLE to get in a full day's work. I wouldn't consider it that big a deal if summer weren't peeking around the corner and I didn't feel so far behind that where I should be appears as a small dot on the horizon.  I know that I've acknowledged that I cannot keep this up forever...but I am surely committed to giving it my all for this last season.

I've been in work funks before...and I typically can implement a few strategies and pull myself out of it rather quickly. This is no funk...it is truly a matter of not enough hours in a day when Critter naps. At this particular juncture, every moment that she is awake requires due diligence.  Oh how I wish we lived closer to family right about now! My normal me would just decide to wake up a few hours earlier in the day and knock a couple of things out while enjoying the sunrise. My pregnant me cannot. I value every moment of sleep that I currently get and do not feel like I can afford (for my sake, for Sprout's, for Daddio's, and for Critter's) to lose a single tick-tock. ASTEROID NUMBER ONE

I cannot say that I've recently been on a fitness kick. My entire existence has been a fitness kick for the past 20 years. I can say that lately, as soon as I get my motor going, I blow a spark plug (or some other car analogy that I don't quite know how to use properly).

I started that push-up quest to blow Michelle Obama out of the water, and then suffered a shoulder injury that very weekend while snowboarding. I thought if I iced it and rested it, it'd be back to normal in no time. It has been close to a month, and I just lowered into chataranga dandasana for the first time last week - and it hurt, so I'm back to just planking. Thwarted. It was my mission for March and I failed. ASTEROID NUMBER TWO.

I was lucky to have a rather fit and active first pregnancy - but it was definitely at a MODERATE level. I read all the books and I thought that is what you had to do. I walked everyday - uphills when I could, and i had a daily yoga practice...but I hardly broke a sweat after the 5th month. I learned that does not work for me. In order to perform at my optimal level, I require DAILY VIGOROUS ACTIVITY. I know that to be a personal truth. I was determined to abide by that this pregnancy - and I have done a commendable job...but it has been at a price...that I may no longer be able to ignore.

This winter, cross country skiing and snowshoeing up mountains was simply fabulous! Loved every frigid moment of it. Plus Critter often came along which made it even incredibler! Started running again earlier this month in Florida. LOVED IT! Been taking long bike rides every weekend and a couple of town trip during the week...makes me so happy to be on a bike. Been walking with Critter in the Ergo whenever we go anywhere...love that too. But it always seems to hurt a bit, and it continues to worsen.  Today is intense enough to make me admit it aloud.

The wonderful places my bike and I have gone in March

Leaving the badlands behind

Looking into Jakey's Fork Canyon

Storm a 'comin!

I don't remember ever seeing a photograph of a roadrunner (aside from the cartoon version). Several years ago, I was driving through New Mexico and this crazy looking bird went scuttering across the road in front of me. I instantly knew it was a roadrunner although I had no prior experience or schema to draw from. I have never had a hernia, but I'm quite certain that it would feel an awful lot like this if I had. No way of knowing for sure...but I'm rather skeptical. I have been calling it something else or wishing it away since July, but it does not seem to obey the commands of my will. ASTEROID NUMBER THREE

I wholeheartedly believe in listening to your body. The problem I'm having is that my body is screaming VIGOROUS ACTIVITY, and this one little point-specific spot has been whispering whoooaaa. The screaming has not subsided a bit, but the whisper is growing louder and louder. I will continue to listen closely, and not let one crush the other.




As it always seems to boil down to - FINDING THE BALANCE.

Breaking Up Is Tough Stuff

La Madre crafted the whole idea of this blog. At first I thought it was just to hold me accountable to daily exercise...then I began to think it was more like an opportunity for daily reflection. Recently, I realized that it was just to keep me real to myself.

It is my homepage when I go online. Every morning the first thing I see is "Dream Your Life, Live Your Dream", and then I see it continuously throughout the day. It is a fabulous daily reminder...and it certainly encourages me to think about it constantly. I believe in that. I firmly believe that you control your destiny and can steer yourself in the direction you'd like your path to take. (I also acknowledge that sometimes, without steering, your path cruises you into the some of the most perfect places at the most perfect times).

I have been struggling with my work situation for some time now. It was once a dream job and I felt that I was living out that dream everyday - back in Ultra Violet's day. Then it morphed a bit. You know - into more inside than outside, more sedentary than active, more working with tasks than working with people, but it was still manageable because it fit into my dream life. I was able to balance everything else outside work to make up for it. I spent the 9 months of tedious, dull, not fulfilling work, to get to the 3 months of summer that were incredibly rewarding and satisfying. In those 9 months, I had a life outside work that met all my other needs. Plus, i love the company I work for. Love the kids, love what we do with them, love the challenges, love the opportunity for growth, love the location, love the people I work with. It was a no-brainer to keep at it despite the long months of not really tapping into my strengths.

All sorts of people warned that nothing would be the same after having kids - that life as I knew it would change. I expected some change, but i did not fully grasp what that meant (I still don't FULLY grasp it). But I do know that suddenly doing a job that i don't completely love for 9 months a year is no longer living my dream. It was worth it to get to the summer and put my heart and soul into those extraordinary 3 months. I cannot give that same amount of heart and soul anymore. I have a new project that I'd like to devote that time and energy toward now - my wee people.

I dream of the life I had as a child. Where my mom was chillin with us everyday.  Making all our meals, teaching us all we needed to know, taking us out to explore and experience life, planting gardens, reading books, enjoying the sunshine and the fresh air, giving hugs and kisses at every opportunity, loving us completely, and rarely being preoccupied by anything that we were ever aware of. I think Critter and Sprout deserve that too. I want to live that dream.

Thing is, I need to make money too. Leaving a job that I've had for 8 years for the unknown is daunting and scary, and I felt a bit afraid to make the leap. I HATE FEAR! I truly do, it stops you in your tracks and does not allow the forward progress of growth take place. it is a horrible, despicable thing. I have battled it before, and triumphed. I could not let it stop me from living my dream life. So I had to come up with a plan to simmer the FEAR.

Sometimes you can't see too far ahead. Just remember where you are going and keep stepping.

I have been giving it a great deal of thought over the past couple of months, but FEAR kept me surrendering to my status quo. My plans were not grand enough to defeat it, but I continued to mull and muster. I needed to enlist the help and support of other people. I needed to pump La Madre up and squash the fear.

On my trip down to the big cities, I threw my idea out to a couple of professionals. It was so well received that La Madre got what she needed. On the long drive back to Dubois, the decision was made. I needed to get back to Dreaming My Life and Living That Dream.

It didn't stop being scary...I just stopped being afraid.

I called today. I tendered my resignation. Of course it is not effective till who-knows-when, but I do not plan to be in this same position a year from now. 

It was an emotional call. When it was through, I was upset, and I didn't quite understand why. So I went for a run in the sunshine, and it certainly helped. I realized where the emotion was coming from.

You ever break up with someone who was nothing but good to you and good for you? Never did anything wrong. Treated you like gold and supported you for years. Helped you to grow. Had incredible times together.  And you loved him. Truly. But you just knew in your gut that it was not sustainable. It just wasn't going to work out in the long run. As much as you loved him, the relationship was just not serving you anymore, and it was not fair to stay in it. Even though it is you who wants out, and it is you who sets the wheels in motion, it is still a heartbreaking break-up. It is hard to let go.

La Madre is a bold bitch. She just quit the dream job that I've held for 8 years, in a horrible economy, with a Critter on the ground and a Sprout in the belly.

Fear Schmear.

Went to the Big City

 Departed in a flurry last Sunday after several hours of searching for my work wallet. Never surfaced. Had to take Daddio's cause I was off to do a bunch of spending in the Big City. And boy...did I!

 Got an iPhone. A real honest-to-god iPhone.  I'm still not quite certain how to actually operate the device - but I can take and send photos, which is a major reason I wanted it!

 Went to Ikea - twice. First time to recon and check it all out. Then I went back between meetings to make the big purchase. Got a cabinety sort of thing that can store our work stuff out of Critter's reach. I don't love it - but I can live with it. And it is most assuredly safer than what we were working with. Got two storage ottomans too. So that I could replace the monstrosity of a coffee table that never belonged in a room this size, but came with the house, so we have used it. I have hated it every day and could not wait to replace it! It is a fine piece of furniture - it just did not belong in out living room/office/kitchen.

 Stocked up on soap, shampoo, toothpaste, and groceries...nothing like travelling 8 hours to purchase your staples.

 I was feeling rather proud of all the purchases as they have all been in the works for a while...but the new 8X10 rug was still alluding me. Not for lack of trying. i went everywhere and looked at a bazillion rugs - none really worked though (in my price range). Daddio gave me a limited budget - what remained of our tax return after purchasing an infrared heater for Critter's room and some other in sundry items for the heat of the house. i left Colorado without the rug. I decided I'd make one last ditch effort in Casper since I was driving through.

Perhaps it was impulse. Perhaps I felt pressure. Perhaps it was just a moment of absurdness after being in the car for 7 hours, but I bought a rug. I never should have. I hate it. I didn't love it when I got it, I just hoped it would grow on me. It has not. Intense buyer's remorse. I may drive back to Casper and return it next weekend. I just can't take it. Daddio thinks I'm ludicrous. Perhaps. But it is a big part of my daily living. I spend the majority of my waking hours in this room with this hideous rug. I realize that driving 6 hours round-trip to return it blows the budget for the rug out of the water. I make mistakes - some are costly. gulp.

One Step Closer to a Hot Tub

Unbelievable. We accomplished what I certainly thought was impossible today.

Where we started this morning

Today's progress!

Daddio and I worked together on a project all day long. We did not have a single solitary argument. Things went relatively smoothly. I don't even think I was ever frustrated or grumpy. We both messed a couple of things up - but we each fixed them, with each other's consult.

Project Manager giving instruction

All the lumber for the entire project has been milled on our sweet 'ol lumber mill. All the logs came from our work property. We had to chop 'em down because they were either infested with beetles, or already killed by them. The hot tub deck is the first of many projects we have planned for the sawmill.

Happily constructing

Our list is long and it sure takes forever and a day to check anything off of it. If every work day were like today, we'd be living in our dream palace. I am realistic enough to know that it won't always be this way. But for today, I'll take it...and chalk it up to the Luck of the Irish.

Traditions

Living in a small mountain town in the middle of the least populated state in the country, could easily leave me with much to desire come holiday time. However, the opposite is true. There are holiday events in place in this town that are out-of-this-world fabulous! Thanksgiving (Pilgrim's Progressive) has grown into a much celebrated faux-family feast that lasts for several days. The holiday-sweater-red-neck party is tons o fun. Easter has been a blast filled with egg decorating contest and then an all-out egg hunt where elbows have been known to be thrown and electric fences activated. Birthdays are hysterical, and our baby shower was off-the-hook. We are uber-fortunate to have the friends we do that have all shown up in this hiccup of a town at this very moment.

One event that has been off-the-charts in the past is St.Patrick's Day.

When I moved here, it was blatantly obvious that there was a horrible lack of Irish cheer come this sacred holiday. I vowed to change that as quickly as I could say "cockles and mussels alive alive o". I treat the day with the dignity and honor and respect that I feel it deserves. First thing in the morning, I move the shamrock plant to center stage on the kitchen table. I bring down the leprechaun snowman that my Aunt Ree gave me when I bought my cabin, and the little shamrock candle holder that my Aunt Nep sent in a housewarming package. I then prepare the green shamrock pancakes and cream my coffee with baileys. Put the corned beef in the dutch ovens and one in the slow-cooker right after breakfast. Although I've had to work each St.Patty's day that I have lived here, I have afternoon pints of Guiness while typing away on my computer. Pandora station fluctuates between a variety of Irish music stations. Prepare the soda bread mid-afternoon. Add the potatoes and carrots to all the corned beefs...and then the cabbage a wee bit later.

Waiting for hooligan arrival

Hooligans typically show up around 6:00pm. There have been as many as 25 revelers for the event. Everyone arrives with a 6-pack of Guiness - all of them are gone by the end of the evening. Car Bombs usually begin about 6:01pm, and don't seem to stop until...well...I'm not sure when they stop. We jig. The fellas get whiskey drunk and feisty. We are full of good cheer and love for each other. All of the food gets devoured. There are no crumbs left of the soda bread as they are all used to sop up the broth in the pots. It gets loud. It gets rowdy. It is one of my very favorite days.

Three corned-beefs stewing

Car Bomb Counter

Last year I was pregnant. Of course I threw the event, but could not participate in the car bombs. I distinctly remember when I discovered that St. Patty's was going to fall on a Saturday this year. I was ready to throw a weekend long festival. Turns out I am pregnant once again and most of our party-goers are out of town this weekend. A friend in town is throwing a party that is a horse of a completely different color tomorrow night, and we will be going to it.

It will be our first non-comeallya St. Patty's since I got the cabin. So last night, we celebrated a mini-st.pat's.  Just one batch of corned beef and cabbage, just one loaf of soda bread, just one 6-pack of Guiness, and one bottle of Irish whiskey. Frank, Joe, and Cza Cza came to feast with us. Critter ate the potatoes and carrots and some soda bread. The fellas each had a car bomb and some extra whiskey. Pandora was busting out some favorites. The shamrocks, the snowman, and the candle were on the table...it was a grand event, I did have a Guiness.

I am grateful that we were still able to share our celebration with a quaint few, but I am no way ready to give up the hosting the hulabaloo in the future.

This year's feast

Just one little loaf

Here's to St. Patrick's Day 2013!

Change Your Perspective

Headstands at yoga tonight. Three of them. The best part was we did them right at the beginning of class. Turning things upside down every once in a bit is an important thing to remember.

Doing some prolonged downward facing dogs too. Up to six-minutes. There was certainly a time that staying in downdog for 2 minutes was a major struggle. There was a time that me heels did not come close to the floor. Then, somewhere along the way, downdog became one of my favorite places to be. It was a welcome break after some challenging poses or exhausting vinyasas.

The first time I stayed for five minutes felt rather brutal...but then it grew on me. There is something uber fantastic about turning your world upside down and seeing what you see and feeling what you feel. I recommend giving it a go. Just a few upside-down minutes a day to keep you adjusted when you are right-side up.

Smooth Round Stones

Scheduled power outage today. From 1:00pm - 5:00pm.

Loaded up the Critter and set off for an adventure. I was on a mission to collect more stones. Been going to the same general locale for several years now picking up smooth river rocks. I have used them for a variety of purposes over the years...but they always symbolize impermanence.

One year I stacked them on my front porch. I may have mentioned the relentless and punishing wind we endure in this valley. Every day that I opened my front door, the cairns had crumbled. I welcomed the opportunity to restack them. It felt a little like plucking unruly eyebrows.

 The rocks then made an appearance at our wedding. They were stacked on each table.  I'm not sure if anyone took time to find the pleasure in restacking them or not.

Now the rocks are part of a pathway in my "Garden of Impermanence". Birch Boulevard. I go out to the same place along the river a couple of times each season to gather another sack full or two of new rocks. You'd think that they'd be easy to come across, but it is more difficult than you may imagine. I have searched miles and miles of riverbank, but still have not enough perfect stones to complete the Boulevard.  I have never set a real goal to complete it by any particular time. For a moment today, I thought about changing that. I thought about setting a goal to gather enough rocks to have it finished by Sprout's arrival. I've since changed my mind. One of the things I love the most about the project, is that there has been no timelines of any sort. Sometimes when I go out there, I end up just strolling about and collecting green rocks instead (for another section in the Garden of Impermanence).

That side of the house has become a rather special place for me. It was a pile of dirt when we moved in. Little by little it has transformed. No two years have been alike, no two seasons have been alike. There is nothing permanently attached to anything else. It is full of "ornaments" collected from everywhere. Rocks constantly tumble, and I am thrilled when I get the chance to restack them. Yesterday I added another layer of logs to reinforce last year's addition, and I sprinkled some wild flower seeds to a section that I tilled. Today I added the stones I collected on my adventure with Critter and Daddio. 

As the season slowly changes from winter to spring, I cannot wait to spend more wind-sheltered sunshine time out there. Digging, planning, preparing, planting, feasting, chilling, and growing...