Breaking Up Is Tough Stuff

La Madre crafted the whole idea of this blog. At first I thought it was just to hold me accountable to daily exercise...then I began to think it was more like an opportunity for daily reflection. Recently, I realized that it was just to keep me real to myself.

It is my homepage when I go online. Every morning the first thing I see is "Dream Your Life, Live Your Dream", and then I see it continuously throughout the day. It is a fabulous daily reminder...and it certainly encourages me to think about it constantly. I believe in that. I firmly believe that you control your destiny and can steer yourself in the direction you'd like your path to take. (I also acknowledge that sometimes, without steering, your path cruises you into the some of the most perfect places at the most perfect times).

I have been struggling with my work situation for some time now. It was once a dream job and I felt that I was living out that dream everyday - back in Ultra Violet's day. Then it morphed a bit. You know - into more inside than outside, more sedentary than active, more working with tasks than working with people, but it was still manageable because it fit into my dream life. I was able to balance everything else outside work to make up for it. I spent the 9 months of tedious, dull, not fulfilling work, to get to the 3 months of summer that were incredibly rewarding and satisfying. In those 9 months, I had a life outside work that met all my other needs. Plus, i love the company I work for. Love the kids, love what we do with them, love the challenges, love the opportunity for growth, love the location, love the people I work with. It was a no-brainer to keep at it despite the long months of not really tapping into my strengths.

All sorts of people warned that nothing would be the same after having kids - that life as I knew it would change. I expected some change, but i did not fully grasp what that meant (I still don't FULLY grasp it). But I do know that suddenly doing a job that i don't completely love for 9 months a year is no longer living my dream. It was worth it to get to the summer and put my heart and soul into those extraordinary 3 months. I cannot give that same amount of heart and soul anymore. I have a new project that I'd like to devote that time and energy toward now - my wee people.

I dream of the life I had as a child. Where my mom was chillin with us everyday.  Making all our meals, teaching us all we needed to know, taking us out to explore and experience life, planting gardens, reading books, enjoying the sunshine and the fresh air, giving hugs and kisses at every opportunity, loving us completely, and rarely being preoccupied by anything that we were ever aware of. I think Critter and Sprout deserve that too. I want to live that dream.

Thing is, I need to make money too. Leaving a job that I've had for 8 years for the unknown is daunting and scary, and I felt a bit afraid to make the leap. I HATE FEAR! I truly do, it stops you in your tracks and does not allow the forward progress of growth take place. it is a horrible, despicable thing. I have battled it before, and triumphed. I could not let it stop me from living my dream life. So I had to come up with a plan to simmer the FEAR.

Sometimes you can't see too far ahead. Just remember where you are going and keep stepping.

I have been giving it a great deal of thought over the past couple of months, but FEAR kept me surrendering to my status quo. My plans were not grand enough to defeat it, but I continued to mull and muster. I needed to enlist the help and support of other people. I needed to pump La Madre up and squash the fear.

On my trip down to the big cities, I threw my idea out to a couple of professionals. It was so well received that La Madre got what she needed. On the long drive back to Dubois, the decision was made. I needed to get back to Dreaming My Life and Living That Dream.

It didn't stop being scary...I just stopped being afraid.

I called today. I tendered my resignation. Of course it is not effective till who-knows-when, but I do not plan to be in this same position a year from now. 

It was an emotional call. When it was through, I was upset, and I didn't quite understand why. So I went for a run in the sunshine, and it certainly helped. I realized where the emotion was coming from.

You ever break up with someone who was nothing but good to you and good for you? Never did anything wrong. Treated you like gold and supported you for years. Helped you to grow. Had incredible times together.  And you loved him. Truly. But you just knew in your gut that it was not sustainable. It just wasn't going to work out in the long run. As much as you loved him, the relationship was just not serving you anymore, and it was not fair to stay in it. Even though it is you who wants out, and it is you who sets the wheels in motion, it is still a heartbreaking break-up. It is hard to let go.

La Madre is a bold bitch. She just quit the dream job that I've held for 8 years, in a horrible economy, with a Critter on the ground and a Sprout in the belly.

Fear Schmear.